The Greater Reason

246 dead and counting. Thousands displaced. The storm has left us devastated and in calamity. The rest of the metro is still under water, victims freezing on their roofs and starving and yet here I am, in bed, doing nothing about it but just updating myself through the news. Times like this makes you feel how blessed you are for merely having a cozy bed to lay on. The mere fact that I'm still breathing makes me feel blessed.

And more sad news. I've read on a friend's Facebook status that some relief goods beneficiaries are selling their packages for Php 30.00 a bag. For all the efforts that we've volunteers have done, siyempre, without expecting anything in return, the least the victims could do is appreciate the help their fellow countrymen are shelling out. Not all victims have received relief goods. So that's just sad. I've also noticed online that there have been burglaries in Provident Village Marikina, relief tucks are being looted and the chaos is unattended because there are no police. No reliable source or anything.

After last Monday's relief drive at DLSU, we've rendered about 1200 relief packages for the typhoon victims and have raised a good amount in a couple of hours. Carrying boxes of noodles, clothes, bottled water and canned goods is no joke and it is not easy. Yes, it was worth the pain and the sweat. So after a good days worth of work, I ended it with some great soul food at Ying YIng with Brother Rey and some other Aspirants.

For the past day's series of events, both fortunate and unfortunate, I've actually found some time to be still and reflect. Basic question was "Why am I here?". Why am I doing such work, the charity, taking the time to think of others before me? Why am I here alive, while others who were hit by the storm either have passed away or are going through difficulty? Am I happy with what I am doing? Why am I doing all this? I'm even questioning the level of fulfillment in the charitable acts I've done. 

Its questions like these that have been disturbing me the other night. I'm not sure if that is a good sign or what with regards to my vocation discernment. I do know that it is healthy to take doubt and question, but doesn't this beat the purpose of my being at this point? Even if my Brother Mentor is busy, I'm glad that I still have friends who are there to be my confidants. So the disturbing realizations I've had the other night have been solved, thats whats cool with having these kinds of friends, you get shined upon with their insights and you also get to share your light. Okay bad metaphor, but you guys get the picture. And yeah, you get the reaffirmation you need to go on. 

And to my surprise, again, I end up answering my own questions, rather deeply in such sense that I tend to scare myself on how mature I think I've grown to be. Haha. So the answer to my existence in this present time, doing these things, well okay there's no direct answer but there's a reason, and a good one I may say, is that in times where we cannot gather the words to describe what we are feeling or to answer the questions on what we are doing, there is only one thing. Its the absence in itself that affirms that there is a greater cause for it, something more greater working within it, and this is where the mystery of our being kicks in. Its not just our human nature, but its the mystery of our faith. Ask yourselves the same, and ask yourself how can you worship a certain God that you haven't seen at all. Same answer, yet different premise, right? But the mystery in itself is something so exciting to tackle, yet something you wouldn't want to question. Sorry for being malabo, but I hope you guys get it somehow. 

Anyway, DLSU is continuing the SAGIP METRO Relief Drive for the rest of the week. See you guys there!

Typhoon Ondoy Hitting Manila Hard

There's a Filipino saying that goes "Kahit gaano kalalim ang dagat, hanggang dibdib lang ito ng bibi" (No matter how deep the ocean is, it's still breast high for ducks no matter what), (Banderlipe, 2009). 

And that is the optimistic side of what is currently going on in Metro Manila. People stranded in the streets and in their cars desperately find ways to seek refuge. Take for instance this, 

Two guys pushing around what seems to be Styrofoam along Taft Avenue with two passengers aboard. (Forgive me for the resolution, I used my laptop to take this)

So for being all thankful that I'm all cozy in my room and all the other fortunate crap, I want to say thank you, Lord. Haha. 

But who the hell can remain optimistic when you are scared to go hungry? Forgive me for my language, but for all you Taft dormers out there, I'm sure you guys can relate with me. No one will deliver food. And there is no way that I will go through dirty water with a cut on my foot. I'm scared of Leptospirosis. Sorry. And another reason not to remain steady, I'm down to my last 6 cigs. 

Lord have mercy!

GREENATION Launch

Tonight. 7PM. Il Ponticello.

Fin.

Now I know why God has put me through that relationship.
I'll talk about it later, good night.

Not A Good Day

Waking up today without an alarm clock was something new. There was totally nothing there convenient to rely on as a source of time. So I either resort to turning on the television and channel surf to the morning news, or, turn on my laptop. I ended up doing the later since turning on the tv would disturb my room mate. But anyway, with or with out an alarm, I always end up late, so I don't know why I'm babbling. Haha.

As I get to Ms. Mavicks's desk (I was tasked to take charge of her work since she was on leave for an operation) to check if there are new faxes, Brother Armin comes up to me and hands me over some packages for Lysander and Brother Vince. He also hands me his travel briefs and a single piece of paper. And who would know that a piece of paper, the smallest thing in the bundle handed to me would be the most stressing and the cause of a break down? I don't really want to get in to details, but to be truly frank with you guys, I felt really disturbed and miserable. 

So here's the understated story. I was suppose to call some person up at 10:15 AM. I do so, and since my boss is still in a meeting with some Turks, I say that Brother is unfortunately unavailable right now and cannot come to the phone. Not knowing that it was suppose to be one of those calls where I had to connect Brother to, I still call the person up because that is exactly what Brother says and what is written on the paper. So she answers, and says, never mind. So when Brother asks for the update, I tell him what went on and said to call back so he can speak with the person. As I do so, the person is unavailable, and so on. I don't want to sound like I'm rationalizing things here. But to the extent that I call back around four times with miscommunications, who has the nerve to call back for the fifth time? Furthermore, who has the gut to face your boss and report another failed attempt? To add to that, I find out that this contact is supposedly a donor. So like, WTF have I done. Oh the misery!

Come lunch time, no appetite. Brother Mandy drops in, no mood to be bubbly. Yes it was that disturbing.

To add the cherry on top of all of that, I get branded with being malabo by my ex-girlfriend. It was her decision to meet up over by the Animo Canteen benches. So I wait for half an hour, roaming around the entire ground floor of the South Wing just to see if she's already there. And come later, she tells me that I didn't show up and explains that she waited too, but, over by the Accounting benches. There was barely any energy left to exert to argue, so I let it pass. I could deal with a day without my cellular, so I could deal with another, right? Then, all of a sudden she starts making a very big deal out of it. She says she feels that I'm implying that its all her fault. Dude, didn't I just let all of it pass? Then and there, I break down, and, cry. Yeah, I admit, I was silently crying in my office. I couldn't contain the misery anymore. So sorry to the people that didn't get treated right today, sorry for not being in the mood.  But no, she is still persistent in insisting that this is my fault. I admit that I was stupid for leaving my phone in her car. In the first place I shouldn't have even ridden with her. But the main reason I should blame is that my mind was really preoccupied before I got down, so there. So more blaming on me for no reason at all. We just never understand each other on that level, maybe. And maybe that's the reason why, until now, we tend to argue. Before last night ended, I was thinking, maybe God purposely made me leave my phone with her. Siguro so I could see her again and that we can spend time with each other. Or, He is helping me reaffirm the belief that our past relationship will never flourish into a better one. So whatever reason that may be, thank you, Lord.

So what's the big deal, Jay? Well, first of all, its a given that at work, the Brother Mentor - Mentee relationship is gone. Professionally, we're on Boss - Employee status. And with what happened, I failed. I've failed my boss and I've failed to do a simple job. And that alone is really disturbing. I have disappointed my boss and I don't know how to make up for that. I don't even know if I can face him tomorrow. The bad vibes sank in. 

For the first time at the office, I stayed really late working. Not because I felt awful so I'd make up for messing up earlier in the day, but because I felt too awful to go home. And a Brother messages me on Facebook and asks me how I'm doing. We talk about the situation and with one message, he gives me the strength to realize how lame I became. And to quote, 

A Brother still tries his best to minister, even if his heart is shattered to a hundred pieces.

How inspiring, right? Typical me, to compare things with certain situations. But you gotta admit, light always shines through the darkest hours of your life. So with that in mind, and, with the feelings kept within, I smiled, for the first time. For one, there is absolute admiration for this Brother's conviction. And two, even if I was in a really miserable state, I should learn how to use it to motivate myself to do my job better, to learn from my mistakes. 

On a deeper level. What should I expect to be the output of such a situation? They say that when you're put through something, you only know to learn from it after you go through a certain obstacle. You only realize the bigger picture once it is over. Doesn't that just suck? 

Anyway, to end this entry I would like to leave you guys with another inspiring quote, this time from the Bible:

But even if you should suffer for doing what is right, you are blessed. Never be afraid of their threats, and never get upset.

1 Peter 3:14

Live Jesus in our hearts, Forever!

He Has His Ways

I kinda started this ritual before I go to sleep a few weeks back wherein I'd check God's message (an app on Facebook). Its become a habit of mine which I copied from a very good friend. Its a random message generator that helps me reflect sometimes, well, most of the time. It makes myself ponder on possibilities of what will happen throughout the rest of the day, and it also helps me decide on certain things. I'm not saying that it is 100% right to listen to what a random message generator would say, heck, same goes with horoscopes, but yeah. Its just fun. So today's message is:

Don't worry guys, because even I'm confused. Now I'm really wondering. What step is this particular message pertaining to? Its 3:00 in the morning, and maybe, the step I should take is for me to hit the sack.


So further on in the day. I had lunch with my ex-girlfriend. I have to admit it, it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I was all smiles inside and out and yeah, it went pretty well. It makes me nostalgic of the things that we've been through, both good and bad. We had lunch at one of the oldest tambayans we use to hang out at back when we were just friends. Conversation went well. And to my surprise, we didn't end up fighting. She kept making bola by saying how I've lost weight and how whiter I got. Like what the hell, right? I know I'm buying you lunch ex-girlfriend but please, that's just over board. Haha. I doubt she was flirting. Who knows? Well at least we're not just "online buddies" anymore. We're text mates now. Haha kidding.

Heading back to the office, well, I don't wanna talk about that. Haha.

So later on in the day, we decide on hanging out together, again. But we end up in her car, on our way up north. In the car we talk about whatever has happened during the day.  All of a sudden our song plays. Bummer, man. Then the serious mode kicks in, so I ask her if she is happy with her life, if she is content with what she already has and what she already is. And her answer, steady lang. So besides the mixed emotions already stirring within me, I kinda get the feeling that even without me being in her life, she would be happy. There's totally nothing wrong with that. But for some reason, I felt empty. I don't know how to describe the feeling. But I felt awful. Sudden change in mood kind of thing. I don't know if the reason why I feel empty is because I'm accepting the fact that she doesn't need me in her life or its just the emptiness left behind by the love I, then and there, let go. Lord, can you fill me in? Literally.

So when I get off by my friends house, I totally forget my phone and my Ipod in her car. Sucks to be me, huh. Or is God giving me another opportunity to kick it with her?

So in line with today's 'Message from God', yes, the moment did finally come. Its been 6 months or so since we've last seen each other and talked like this. But still, I wouldn't relate it with today's events. And if I cannot wait anymore, well, guess again. True love waits, and so can everything else.

The Purpose Driven Life

Last Saturday was the Aspirants meeting where we talk about official business and get to catch up on whats been happening with one another. So first of all, let me introduce to you guys who we are.

FSC Aspirants Christmas Party 08 (Clockwise starting at 12:00)  John Bellosillo, Gelo Paragas (now a Postulant), Marlo Castillo (has already discerned what he wants in his life haha), Me, Brother Armin, Dan Sanding, Toby dela Cruz, Lysander Rivera (the honorary aspirant), Roji Enriquez, and McRey Banderlipe. 

Not in picture are Cliff Sy, Mico Sangalang and Jerome Cuevas.

So last Saturday we had the second session of our Apostolate, the St. La Salle Pre-School Catechism Class. We taught the kids the basics of good manners. Thanks to Roji for his module, I pretty much think we got the kids to learn how to be polite and well mannered. Its just the random stuff that we do that makes this journey fun. For instance, last Saturday, I taught the kids some steps while singing 'He's Got the Whole World in His Hands'. With out knowing the lyrics by heart, I pretty much could conclude that I looked like a fool. But nonetheless, the kids enjoyed. 

So what we do in our apostolate is that we gather less fortunate kids who can't afford a good education and share with them the knowledge that we already have. Nothing scholarly or TESDA approved, but the basics. So last Saturday's session went well. We had an additional four more participants! So after bringing the kids back to their houses which Cliff and McRey did, in the rain (oh the things we do for the name of La Salle!),we head to the Brothers Community for siesta.

Come 530 PM, we head to the community Chapel for anticipated Mass. And here's where the story kicks in.

I admit it that I haven't been going to Church lately to hear Mass so as I kneel at my pew to reflect I come upon myself blurting random things in my mind. First, saying sorry for not fulfilling the duty as a Catholic to go to Mass for God knows how long; Second, for having another successful day with the St. La Salle Pre-School kids; Third, for the mere fact of keeping my family, friends and myself alive and the random part: asking God to give me answers on why I am here, at this pew, in this Chapel, at this community.

So the presiding Priest steps in and the Catholic ritual begins. Upon delivering the First reading for the evening from the Book of Wisdom, I pause for a while and realize another random suggestion God is making me feel. For the past two weeks I have been having issues with this one person which for a few reasons I can't seem to tolerate anymore. And in the Reading, the first lines go "...Let us beset the just one, because he is obnoxious to us; he sets himself against our doings, reproaches us for transgressions of the law and charges us with violations of our training." Upon closing the reading, it felt so good to sing thanks be to God.

 I believe that God talks to you in His own ways, and I believe that God talks to you everyday. It depends on how you want to interpret it. So for those who have questions on why you feel that God is always absent or why isn't He listening to me, try thinking in different perspectives.  Furthermore into Mass, during Responsorial Psalm, God gives me another wack to the head, reminding me of one of the answers to the rants I had before Mass started. To the response of "The Lord upholds my life" (answering to why am I here), the verses go like this:

1. O God, by Your Name save me, and by Your might defend my cause. (Another answer to my rants, another point for God) O God hear my prayer; hearken to the words of my mouth. (and the wrestling ring bell goes off, we have a Winner);

2. For the haughty men have risen up against me, the ruthless seek my life, they set not God before their eyes;

3. Behold God is my helper, the Lord sustains my life. Freely will I offer you sacrifice, I will praise Your Name. O Lord, for its goodness.

So has God really listened to my rants? I don't believe in coincidence. So to assume that all of these insights in a span of 10 minutes to spawn in my mind, is God really doing His thing? Its not my fault why I was there reciting the First Reading and the Responsorial Psalm. Neither is it the Indian Priest's fault who showed up as well at that Chapel and at that time after how many invitations to give Mass. Evidently, random things are equivalent to a perfect event.

Going on to the Gospel. I tend to compare things said in it with realities of what has been going on in my life. So as Mark writes about how Jesus took His disciples to Capernaum, and when they arrive, He asks them, "What were you arguing on the way?" They remained silent. So to give you non-dogmatic scholars what the disciples were arguing about, they were discussing amongst themselves on the way who was the greatest.

So taking that literally in my non conditional mind, I was like, there goes another point for You. As an aspirant in a community which you would like to nourish by all means is really something difficult. You grow with other young men who are individually distinct but are bonded with one common goal. It is given that your thoughts and ideas will clash with the others. Recently, there have been times where I would find myself not necessarily arguing but talking with a fellow aspirant about someone who acts as if he was the greatest. And to conclude the Gospel, Mark writes about Jesus telling his disciples "Whoever receives one child such as this in My Name, receives Me; and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but the One who sent Me."

So right there and then, I find myself realizing how wrong I am for not thinking in the right way. For not accepting anymore the person who seemed to be "obnoxious", for not being able to tolerate that person. It feels awful to think of myself to be unkind and to disrespect the God and the person who sent him as well.

To conclude this entry, I'd like to leave some realizations that we should always remind ourselves with. First, we are all here for a reason. May it be to fulfill your own purpose or to help others realize their own. Who are we to take that away from other people? Second, patience is always the answer for intolerable circumstances. Be still and one way or another you'll get your answers. Third, learn how to appreciate even the annoying. There's always a hidden gift in everyone that in one way or another could contribute to a better you.

Score:  

Winner: God (3)

Loser : Jay (0)

Live Jesus in our hearts, Forever!