Of Open Doors and Shattered Dreams

Okay to be really straightforward with you guys, what I am dealing with is not the usual kind of stuff guys my age are going through. In life, we need to make decisions. We need to plan about our future, our careers and make sure that we become successful in order for us to earn a living that we are at least comfortable with. Our parents have plans for us -- for God knows how long they'll be with us. For the fortunate ones, we've been sent to college and have received an education. Our parents want the best for us, just as much as we want the best for ourselves. For us to live the lifestyle we want, we have to work our asses off. And that is what society has set. The norm wherein we need to strive in order to survive.

I was readying myself for that. And in God's own grace, I was being called to something greater. In a Christian perspective, something way more simpler than what the world is demanding, and what we demand of ourselves alone, is being called for. And along this journey, you'll get to know more about that through this blog.

But yeah, in highly considering the religious life, almost every valuable aspect of my life is being challenged. First, will my family approve of this? After my birth and all the planning and not to mention money spending they've done on me, would they fully support me with this choice? I do not want to disappoint my parents, heck, I bet nobody does. But to serve a greater purpose, with or without my parent's blesisngs, I'd be willing to sacrifice everything. Even the plans I've had for myself would have to be set aside. For sure, this path would be more fulfilling. Even if I'd  be totally selfless, I'm sure I would be happy.  


I'd like to share with you guys an open letter from one of the Brothers I am close with:

5 October 2009

Dearly Beloved Aspirant,

To choose the direction of your life is indeed a very heavy decision to make. At times, it seems impossible and unjust that this burden be placed on the shoulders of one so young. Yet, that is how it has always been. If we look back to the great figures in Scriptures, many of them were young when they first said yes to our God’s invitation: Jeremiah, Samuel and our Blessed Virgin Mary to name but a few. In fact, many who were younger than you have made such a decision and look back with overwhelming joy and gratitude for such a grace. Despite what many of the disenchanted and old would say, the young are truly capable and do make wise decisions.

Greetings of peace to you! I pray you receive the very fullness of peace, which our Hebrew brothers have called “Shalom”! May this letter find you well in mind, body and soul.

I write this letter to you with a sense of urgency. Hence, I take time out of my busy schedule to sit and write my thoughts out for you. Please be patient as your Brother shares his meandering thoughts with you.

There is no question that you have been chosen. Chosen before you were even born!¹ But the question is not if God has chosen you. It is if you wish to respond or not. May you find the strength and perseverance to pursue your calling. I am not making a definitive statement that you should be a Brother. Far from that! I am saying that God has a purpose for bringing you into the world and the time has come to choose firmly, with a single-minded determination, the direction you must take. God, in his infinite goodness, has equipped you with all the talents you need for the mission he has set before you. Discern your path very carefully. Trust the guides our Lord provides each step of the way.

It is crucial that I point out a lie, which is being subtly propagated in our popular culture. Many insinuate that unless you try out as many available options, you will never make a good decision. I beg to differ! If you want to know where you will be happy, look into yourself. Note your talents and the things that make you happy. There are so many options in life, there is no way to try out everything. Two roads diverged on a yellow wood and sorry I cannot travel both!² One does not go into a restaurant and order everything on the menu to find out what he likes best. Instead, he sits down and chooses a few items which suit him best. Why must people insist that you try out the vanilla flavored ice cream when you know that you want the chocolate? Furthermore, why do you believe them? One commitment is better than a thousand options!³ In pursuing this commitment, you have begun the journey towards a full life. When your fears clash violently with your dreams, I hope you have enough courage to take the risk to pursue your dreams. Do not fret about time you might waste pursuing a wrong option. Too much analysis will only lead you to paralysis. Choose what best suits you now. If you make the wrong decision, you will still have learned plenty of valuable lessons you will get nowhere else.

What then is this God calling you to become? I cannot say for sure if you must be a Brother, but, I am sure that this call involves bringing Christ to others. Like many of those who came before you, the words of the prophecy of Zechariah to his own son rings loud and true for you: And you, my child, shall be called a prophet of the most high, for you will go before the Lord to prepare his way.⁴ Many are searching and thirsting to meet their God. Yet it is sad that there are not enough messengers to introduce the Lord to them. Look around you and see that are those who are picking off the Lord’s flock leading them to the road of complacency and false teaching. Whatever way you choose, you must become a light that shines in the darkness.⁵ For whether you become a Brother or not, you are entrusted to be the bearer of the light of Christ. Let not the lure of worldly pleasures and temptations drown out this light. Be brave! Take heart! Prepare the way of the Lord on the hearts of those he will entrust to you, those you shall meet along the way. Be thankful for this opportunity.

Let us look at a detail in the parable of the Sower: As for the seed that fell on the thorns, they are the ones who have heard (the Word of God), but as they go along, they are choked by anxieties of riches and pleasures of life, that they fail to produce mature fruit.⁶ What is scarier, my dear friend: That you pass through life without experiencing some of its pleasures or that you live a life that is devoid of meaning? The choice to pursue a meaningful life is very clear. Many around you will not understand why you are even considering this life. After all, many live as if the purpose of life is to eat, procreate, try to make money and die. But this materialistic and worldly choice does not seem to suit you. The mere fact that you take time to pursue things, which the common person would see as nonsense, and a waste of time is a clear testament that you are called by the Lord to something special. Do not be afraid that by choosing the uncommon path you will miss out on life. Instead, this path will allow you to live a full and meaningful life. A life so full and unique that some would dismiss it as the stuff of legends and great epics. But this kind of life is real and it is within your grasp! There will come a time that you will look back and realize that what our Lord is offering you is far more valuable and pleasurable than what this world can give. What seems to be a high cost now, would look like mere spare change when the day comes that our Lord rewards his faithful stewards.⁷ I have walked the path that you walk now. I myself have met the demons you are just meeting now. I thank God however, for gracing me with many wise guides who have directed me to find my true happiness. I fervently pray that you receive the same assistance from those chosen to guide you.

Before we receive these rewards promised by our Lord, we must first allow ourselves to be molded according to his plan. Let us be the clay in the hands of the master potter.⁸ Let us trust our God, that even if our life seems to be a dizzying whir and we seem to be molded into something bizarre, we know that God plans to make something beautiful out of us. It may be true that there may be some things you will have to give up and you may occasionally experience a feeling of emptiness and being left out. Do not be afraid, it is the Lord!⁹ Be generous and open to this experience. If the earthen jars in Cana were not empty, they would not have been available for our Lord Jesus to change water into wine.¹⁰  Submit yourself to our Lord’s will and let him take the ordinariness of your life and allow him to change it to something so wonderful that future generations will speak about how extraordinary and special it was!¹¹

In the face of uncertainty, trust the Lord when he asks you to “Cast out into the deep”.¹² Yes, by following our Lord, we will be led to scary and uncertain places. This early in your life, you may already be feeling battered by life’s many storms. It will not be a wonder that like Peter, you will find yourself complaining to the Lord: We have worked all night and caught nothing.¹³ Yes, this process of discernment can be frustrating at times. In fact, it may seem that you may even find yourself caught in a cycle of inspiration and depression. One moment, you may be so certain that you want to be a Brother, but the next you suddenly feel unworthy to even try to become one. Courage! God knows whom He is calling. He also knows good material when He sees it. It is when you feel most empty and useless that God will fill you with His grace. May you become like Peter, who despite his fatigue and uncertainty, found strength to tell the Lord: but at your command, we will lower our nets.¹⁴  Trust your God, for he will always be in control, even in the most impossible of circumstances. In the typhoons and floods of life, reach out to God, and the threat will pass sooner than you think, and you will be left unscathed! O you of little faith, why did you doubt.¹⁵ The God who calls you to walk on water will not leave you to drown!¹⁶

Indeed the journey of choosing to be a Brother is long and trying. There are days when you would feel so inspired and uplifted and days when you begin to wonder why you are even bothering at all. It is in times of discouragement that you must listen to our Lord patiently. Pray and reflect for his guidance. Be open to the ones chosen to guide you. It is when your hearts are downcast that our Lord will suddenly walk beside you, gently guiding you and chiding your lack of faith.¹⁷ Although you may not recognize Him immediately, do not be slow to believe when you do! And even when it is so hard to draw up your faith, pray just like the other disciples in the gospel: Stay with us Lord.¹⁸ As these disciples encountered Jesus in that lonely road of Emmaus, I pray that you likewise that you be given the grace to choose your path wisely.

Once again, be not afraid to choose and commit! You remain ever in my prayers.

I remain, as always, your Brother,
Br. Mandy Dujunco FSC

Now how awesome is that? To know that there are people who feel your anxieties and to know that they are there to support you. For those who feel what I'm dealing with, may God bless you with the courage and the strength. 

But question, why would God make this so difficult for us? Most especially if this will all end up in the glory of His name? For reasons will have no meaning unless they are meant to be. What the hell am I talking about?

To reflect on Brother Mandy's open letter to the Aspirants
 
Whats really scary is that those before who have chosen to follow Christ and God, are those who were brutally killed. If Jesus himself was sentenced to die on the cross, what worst will be in stall for me? Okay, that was old school. But how does society today see the religious?

I've made up my mind to respond to this certain call. I don't have any divine intervention stories but for me, the mere fact that I could even consider this is something. As they say, Many are called, but few are chosen. True. So does that mean discernment depends on perseverance? I know the religious life is not easy. Even the Saints can attest to that. But what if hindi ko makayanan? Lord, I ask that you grant me the strength to carry on this cross of mine. I pray that you bless me with the courage to face each and every trial with a brave heart. 

So the purpose of our lives is totally unpredictable. As Bro Mandy puts it, God has a purpose for bringing you into this world. Why? I'm not doubting my faith or my mere existence, but how can God make this so difficult? So as we trust the guides our Lord provides each step of the way, should we also surrender the gift of Freewill?

Another question that struck me while reading this letter was when Bro Mandy pointed out that people say we should try the many available options out there in order for us to make a good decision. I've limited these. I've sacrificed a lot. But is this right for me to be closing doors on possible opportunities? Where's the discernment on that? To test oneself is healthy right? In the first place, how would we know what we want or what is right for us not unless we acknowledge the idea of it in the first place? 

I've decided to enter the Postulancy next year. For those who don't know what the Postulancy is, it's the first formal stage of formation of the Brotherhood. So in coming up with that choice, basically, I have given up all the other options. And now, when I do have a firm decision, this chance for me to further my discernment, I realize that I have deep feelings for this girl who is practically my best friend. Why God? WHY?