ILAW 5 - Life's Pilgrimage

It was  4:35 AM and the other two (referring to Brother Rey and Roji) start texting and asking where I'm at. So I ask the guard at the CSB Hotel to grab a pedicab for me and I head straight to the South Gate. When I reply saying that I'm on my way, Brother Rey says that we have to take a cab. In my mind I'm like why? After finding out that the DLSU Coaster left us three I couldn't help but laugh. Good thing Roji literally runs after his dad to ask if he can take us to La Salle Greenhills. So Roji grabs the wheel and takes us there in less than 30 minute, to think we didn't use EDSA but rather took the long route touring us around Makati, Mandaluyong then finally hitting Ortigas. 

The 5th Inter- Luzon Aspirants Workshop was hosted by the Lasallian Formation Center Community. It was a two day pilgrimage that basically took us up Mt. Samat in Bataan and down to the Jaime Hilario Integrated School - La Salle in Bagac. More than 30 participants composed of Brothers, Novices, Postulants and Aspirants were present to reflect on the realities of our life's journeys.

Leaving the Provincialate a couple of minutes pass six, we stop at the first gas station on the NLEX. Still on the Daniel Diet, I decide to grab a tuna fish sub while the others are enjoying their tocino and tapas. So after breakfast, we're all handed leaflets full of the towns that we pass by's history. Being the history enthusiast that I am, I read the entire thing. So the connection, we were all asked what are the significant events in our lives that were somewhat momentous or important to whom we are today. And as usual, I couldn't think of anything. So I slept the entire trip. Sorry Brother Vince.

Next stop was the church in (if my poor memory serves me right) Balanga. We were then given a brief talk from Brother Mandy about the place and a wicked short session with Brother Vince. 

As he begins speaking about how our lives are journeys that we choose to travel, he strikingly points out that sometimes the things we are disturbed by are merely an awakening. He then leaves me dumbfounded with the question of "Where is this leading you?'. That is all I actually remember with what he was saying. I guess I was too tired to function but for some reason, that was all that stuck to my mind.

So as we start the hike up towards this cross

So it may not look like a cross, but its the pole on top of the mountain.

Here it is up close. Breathtaking, right?

on Mt. Samat, I start connecting the journey with my life. Mind you, it is not at all easy to walk 7 kilometers more or less of roads that are inclining. It is not easy to walk up a mountain with the kind of extra baggage I carry. Haha. And it is not easy to think while you are physically tired. But nonetheless, I've come up with a rather good, well I think its good, generalization of my life's pilgrimage.

In life, you'll always start at the bottom. And as you work your way up towards your goal in life, you'll learn to find the road is not at all that easy. You'll eventually get there, but sometimes you will stop when you are tired to rest.

You will find difficulties or obstacles that will test your perseverance. You will run into new faces, meet new people and eventually find out that you are not alone in your journey,

but, will see that there are others that will tackle the same path that you are on. Some will come, and some will go. You either leave them behind, or find yourself being left behind. Sometimes you will be perfect all alone, other times you will need a companion.

For the struggles and all the tough terrain, you would want someone to help you. To guide you, to accompany you through the hardships.

Sometimes others will need you to shell out a little extra effort to boost their morality or to keep them going. To give them a little push to make them feel that they are not alone.

I think it should have been the other way around, right Cliff?

A little gesture of merely walking with another person may seem like nothing, but knowing that there are others that choose to walk with you can help you go a long way.

You're lucky enough to be with a group. Striving at the same pace with others is something to enjoy, something to grasp at. They know what you are feeling because you're practically walking in the same speed. Others will be tempted and will opt to take short cuts, but then will realize that when they get to the top, no matter if they're first or what, the others will be trailing behind them and eventually catch up. They have gained more wisdom by taking the long road and will appreciate every step taken. Sometimes, shortcuts are dangerous. Besides skipping the things you would've learned you could end up less prepared.

I was lucky to hike with a Brother and few friends. And in real life, I'm blessed to be walking with several. They have traveled the path that I am currently trekking. I was lucky to walk with Brother Rey during the last few kilometers of the hike.

The 6K marker.

He told me which sides of the street to take, the steeper and less traveled and less distant yet tiring route versus the more traveled and crowded wide side that could make the walk more tiring in the long run. In real life he teaches me how to approach the road less traveled and ironically is becoming difficult yet rather helping me reach my goal somehow faster.

During the beginning of the hike, we were one group.

And it is evident how others can get by faster and how others are left behind. The people that pass you are sometimes the people you catch up with. There are times when you think you won't be seeing them again in your journey, but miraculously, you see them at the end of the road. Now the goal of this hike was to reach the top, which was a thirty story high Cross. Figuratively, the hike was to reach the peak, where the cross stood, a symbol of our Saviour Jesus Christ. To join him after the long hike, tired and thirsty for rest. Upon reaching the final destination, you'll find some waiting for you, and you'll find yourself as well waiting for others.

So it doesn't really matter how you get there. Because in the long run, we'll all return to one place. You'll all be complete.

You'll all be rejoicing over a triumphant fight. You will all reunite under one God.

But if you choose to travel the road alone, it will be lonely. You can try to enjoy the magnificent view,

but you will feel that you are left behind. The struggle can turn out unbearable, and you may not have any one to turn to. People will look for you. And, people will wait for you.

I've learned that everyone will not always be there for you. You can choose to keep up with others, but when the pace is too fast, you'll find yourself weary and exhausted. So go with the flow.

Walk until your feet can bear the pain. Then rest until you are ready to continue. Who knows if someone will come along the way to accompany you.

And when you reach the top, be proud and smile. Remember to thank those who have helped you along the way. Remember the trials that you have encountered and be wise by learning from them.

To end this post I would like to share with you guys a prayer that we used before our send off:

God of our journey, we entrust our fellow pilgrims into Your loving care knowing that You are always the Faithful Traveler and Companion on our way. Grant us the courage to face the challenges of this life we chose. Continue to guide us as we journey on in this road towards the fulfillment of Your Kingdom here on earth. Amen.

So I encourage everyone to walk your paths with full faith in the Lord. Ask him to guide you and if ever you do get lost, just look for the light,

and trust me, real friends won't leave your side. They may be a few steps away at times but they will never leave you walking alone.

And thanks to the very good Adobo, the Daniel Diet was tarnished. Talk about resisting temptations! And if the Bagac Community's weighing scale is accurate, I lost three pounds from hiking up and walking down Mt. Samat!

Thanks again to the LFC Community and to the Brothers of the Bagac Community for hosting and the generous hospitality. ILAW5 rocked my socks, literally and figuratively!

Group picture before send off at Bagac

And every time activities like these end an we all have to go home and part our ways, I can't help but smile on all the good times. Thanks guys for the travel, for walking with me and for being there, and for making my journey worthwhile. Rest assured, you'll find me walking near.

 

Nice one Awe!

Live Jesus in our hearts, Forever!

Photos from Roji Enriquez, Brother Mike Valenzuela FSC, Brother Mikey Cua FSC and Joseph Daluz. Thanks.

Yes Bro!

Update as of 21 November 2009:

We are now 12!

The De La Salle Brothers Taft Community Aspirants welcome their new brothers:

Left to Right: Mark Salvan, Thor Manlangit and Awe Tenido.

Welcome to the family and as one community may we help one another in discerning through genuine brotherhood. God bless for saying Yes! Say what?

De La Salle Brothers Taft Community Aspirants' 

T- Shirt for the 5th Inter Luzon Aspirants Workshop

We're not cliquish so please don't get us wrong. We just felt like it. Haha. Expecting to hear people talk behind our backs and everything, we're sorry. But yeah, can't wait to hike up Mt. Samat or Arayat, sorry I am that bad when it comes to names, and go chill at the Jaime Hilario Beach! Will talk about the pilgrimage when I get back, I gotta go pick up my mom from the airport.

Later!

For the Hell of It

Before going to bed last night, I couldn't help but notice the Bible Diary I got as a gift from Roji last year. It was sitting on my side table all dusty and untouched for a few weeks. So being the Curious George I am, I open it up and scan towards 23 November 2009.

Here's the First Reading, from the Book of Daniel,

Daniel's Training in Babylon

 ¹ In the third year of the reign of Jehoiakim king of Judah, Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came to Jerusalem and besieged it. ² And the Lord delivered Jehoiakim king of Judah into his hand, along with some of the articles from the temple of God. These he carried off to the temple of his god in Babylonia ^[a] and put in the treasure house of his god.

 ³ Then the king ordered Ashpenaz, chief of his court officials, to bring in some of the Israelites from the royal family and the nobility- ⁴ young men without any physical defect, handsome, showing aptitude for every kind of learning, well informed, quick to understand, and qualified to serve in the king's palace. He was to teach them the language and literature of the Babylonians. ^{[b] 5} The king assigned them a daily amount of food and wine from the king's table. They were to be trained for three years, and after that they were to enter the king's service.

 ⁶ Among these were some from Judah: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah. ⁷ The chief official gave them new names: to Daniel, the name Belteshazzar; to Hananiah, Shadrach; to Mishael, Meshach; and to Azariah, Abednego.

 ⁸ But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. ⁹ Now God had caused the official to show favor and sympathy to Daniel, ¹⁰ but the official told Daniel, "I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your ^[c] food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you."

 ¹¹ Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, ¹² "Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. ¹³ Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see." ¹⁴ So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.

 ¹⁵ At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. ¹⁶ So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.

 ¹⁷ To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.

 ¹⁸ At the end of the time set by the king to bring them in, the chief official presented them to Nebuchadnezzar. ¹⁹ The king talked with them, and he found none equal to Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah; so they entered the king's service. ²⁰ In every matter of wisdom and understanding about which the king questioned them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in his whole kingdom.

For those like me who aren't well versed when it comes to the Bible and do not know who the characters are, Daniel was famous for interpreting dreams, and yes, is considered by the Christians as one of the four major Prophets besides Jeremiah, Isaiah, and, uhh, Ezekiel? (Please correct me if I'm wrong) 

So what am I trying to point out here? Nothing in particular. To be frank, I felt it was just one of those Readings that the Church has to go through just for the sake of having the traditional Readings before the Holy Gospel. But what really caught my attention was Daniel 1:12:

"Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink.

So first, the random thought and enthusiasm within sparked. What an awesome way to test my patience and enhance my prayer life. For me to isolate myself from the worldly ways I am accustomed to, and to turn to God for the strength! Think of it guys, its like a reminder for me to live the life that the Lord wants me to by showing me in scripture (I don't really try to interpret everything I read in the Bible and relate it with my life, but this just sounded like a fun idea). Maybe God wants me to be healthy? Maybe God wants to test me? Or being the human that I am, I want to test myself and see how far I can go.

So who knows, what if I do make the 10 days and become "ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in his whole kingdom." Dn 1:20?

But, I totally screwed up Day 1 thanks to the calzone I bought for breakfast at Domino's. I totally forgot about it. Come Day 2, 'the New Start day', I screw up again thanks to the scrumptious brunch the IAA Office served for Mr Holmes' birthday. So starting tomorrow, (with all hopes high), I shall test my obedience by eating nothing but vegetables and water for 10 days. So help me God!

A Greater Kind of Love

Spending a couple of years with one specific person may sound hardcore.  

You know who to turn to during the good and the really awful times. You know who's going to wake you up when you have to get up early for a really important class. You know who is always available for you when you need someone to talk with. You know who is down to join you for the craziest things. You know who has your back when the times get tough. You know who's going to take care of you, even if you have a little cough. 

They know what the things are that make you happy, and they know what will hurt you. They know what you've been craving for hence, they know where to go for lunch. They know when and why you're down. They know when you haven't showered nor brushed your teeth.

Its the simplest things that make the relationship unique. 

Like instead of a kiss, the first thing she does is she wants to smell your armpits just to make sure you did take a shower. Then she smiles. Or the way she calls and asks you to make lambing even if you've spent the entire day with her. The day you learned to tie her hair, just because. 

Its when you buy her Hotshots because she doesn't have a lunch break, and, because they're her favorite. The way she sits through your physical ed. class doing her homework even if you can't shoot a ball for shit. Or how you have to wake up early in the morning just to accompany her to school even if your class starts in the afternoon.

Sometimes, its the fights that make you two who you are as a couple. That even if she causes drama during your sister's graduation party, you still find the reasons to love her. Even when understanding is nowhere to be found, you still know that at the end of the day everything will be alright.

It just sucks how having the company of someone so near to your heart can leave you feeling lonely.

She was hard to love. She was difficult to understand. But she was yours.

Without her, the good times wouldn't have been as good, and, the bad times would be just plain bad.

For the two or more years she was mine, I have to be thankful. For being there, for loving me. For teaching me how to love even if it was difficult. To permit even when things were questionable. To trust when things were undeniable.

You taught me how to persevere. To struggle even when I could enjoy comfort. There was no burden. But there was a cross to be carried.

Without you, I don't think I would ever be this ready. I've learned to love the unlovable. I've learned to understand open mindfully. To appreciate what we had, and to let go of what we could have had.

So why has God put me through it all? Not just to love, but to learn. To do everything I can so I wouldn't have to regret. 

In this light, I know I can face the unexpected. To control my emotions and to know when to let go. To love the unloved. To appreciate what I only have. To serve even when its against what I want.

The relationship we had helped me to become a better person. We were instruments used to teach each other. The relationship we had was the field for preparation, for something greater, for a love far more admirable than what we both were comfortable with. 

Of Open Doors and Shattered Dreams

Okay to be really straightforward with you guys, what I am dealing with is not the usual kind of stuff guys my age are going through. In life, we need to make decisions. We need to plan about our future, our careers and make sure that we become successful in order for us to earn a living that we are at least comfortable with. Our parents have plans for us -- for God knows how long they'll be with us. For the fortunate ones, we've been sent to college and have received an education. Our parents want the best for us, just as much as we want the best for ourselves. For us to live the lifestyle we want, we have to work our asses off. And that is what society has set. The norm wherein we need to strive in order to survive.

I was readying myself for that. And in God's own grace, I was being called to something greater. In a Christian perspective, something way more simpler than what the world is demanding, and what we demand of ourselves alone, is being called for. And along this journey, you'll get to know more about that through this blog.

But yeah, in highly considering the religious life, almost every valuable aspect of my life is being challenged. First, will my family approve of this? After my birth and all the planning and not to mention money spending they've done on me, would they fully support me with this choice? I do not want to disappoint my parents, heck, I bet nobody does. But to serve a greater purpose, with or without my parent's blesisngs, I'd be willing to sacrifice everything. Even the plans I've had for myself would have to be set aside. For sure, this path would be more fulfilling. Even if I'd  be totally selfless, I'm sure I would be happy.  


I'd like to share with you guys an open letter from one of the Brothers I am close with:

5 October 2009

Dearly Beloved Aspirant,

To choose the direction of your life is indeed a very heavy decision to make. At times, it seems impossible and unjust that this burden be placed on the shoulders of one so young. Yet, that is how it has always been. If we look back to the great figures in Scriptures, many of them were young when they first said yes to our God’s invitation: Jeremiah, Samuel and our Blessed Virgin Mary to name but a few. In fact, many who were younger than you have made such a decision and look back with overwhelming joy and gratitude for such a grace. Despite what many of the disenchanted and old would say, the young are truly capable and do make wise decisions.

Greetings of peace to you! I pray you receive the very fullness of peace, which our Hebrew brothers have called “Shalom”! May this letter find you well in mind, body and soul.

I write this letter to you with a sense of urgency. Hence, I take time out of my busy schedule to sit and write my thoughts out for you. Please be patient as your Brother shares his meandering thoughts with you.

There is no question that you have been chosen. Chosen before you were even born!¹ But the question is not if God has chosen you. It is if you wish to respond or not. May you find the strength and perseverance to pursue your calling. I am not making a definitive statement that you should be a Brother. Far from that! I am saying that God has a purpose for bringing you into the world and the time has come to choose firmly, with a single-minded determination, the direction you must take. God, in his infinite goodness, has equipped you with all the talents you need for the mission he has set before you. Discern your path very carefully. Trust the guides our Lord provides each step of the way.

It is crucial that I point out a lie, which is being subtly propagated in our popular culture. Many insinuate that unless you try out as many available options, you will never make a good decision. I beg to differ! If you want to know where you will be happy, look into yourself. Note your talents and the things that make you happy. There are so many options in life, there is no way to try out everything. Two roads diverged on a yellow wood and sorry I cannot travel both!² One does not go into a restaurant and order everything on the menu to find out what he likes best. Instead, he sits down and chooses a few items which suit him best. Why must people insist that you try out the vanilla flavored ice cream when you know that you want the chocolate? Furthermore, why do you believe them? One commitment is better than a thousand options!³ In pursuing this commitment, you have begun the journey towards a full life. When your fears clash violently with your dreams, I hope you have enough courage to take the risk to pursue your dreams. Do not fret about time you might waste pursuing a wrong option. Too much analysis will only lead you to paralysis. Choose what best suits you now. If you make the wrong decision, you will still have learned plenty of valuable lessons you will get nowhere else.

What then is this God calling you to become? I cannot say for sure if you must be a Brother, but, I am sure that this call involves bringing Christ to others. Like many of those who came before you, the words of the prophecy of Zechariah to his own son rings loud and true for you: And you, my child, shall be called a prophet of the most high, for you will go before the Lord to prepare his way.⁴ Many are searching and thirsting to meet their God. Yet it is sad that there are not enough messengers to introduce the Lord to them. Look around you and see that are those who are picking off the Lord’s flock leading them to the road of complacency and false teaching. Whatever way you choose, you must become a light that shines in the darkness.⁵ For whether you become a Brother or not, you are entrusted to be the bearer of the light of Christ. Let not the lure of worldly pleasures and temptations drown out this light. Be brave! Take heart! Prepare the way of the Lord on the hearts of those he will entrust to you, those you shall meet along the way. Be thankful for this opportunity.

Let us look at a detail in the parable of the Sower: As for the seed that fell on the thorns, they are the ones who have heard (the Word of God), but as they go along, they are choked by anxieties of riches and pleasures of life, that they fail to produce mature fruit.⁶ What is scarier, my dear friend: That you pass through life without experiencing some of its pleasures or that you live a life that is devoid of meaning? The choice to pursue a meaningful life is very clear. Many around you will not understand why you are even considering this life. After all, many live as if the purpose of life is to eat, procreate, try to make money and die. But this materialistic and worldly choice does not seem to suit you. The mere fact that you take time to pursue things, which the common person would see as nonsense, and a waste of time is a clear testament that you are called by the Lord to something special. Do not be afraid that by choosing the uncommon path you will miss out on life. Instead, this path will allow you to live a full and meaningful life. A life so full and unique that some would dismiss it as the stuff of legends and great epics. But this kind of life is real and it is within your grasp! There will come a time that you will look back and realize that what our Lord is offering you is far more valuable and pleasurable than what this world can give. What seems to be a high cost now, would look like mere spare change when the day comes that our Lord rewards his faithful stewards.⁷ I have walked the path that you walk now. I myself have met the demons you are just meeting now. I thank God however, for gracing me with many wise guides who have directed me to find my true happiness. I fervently pray that you receive the same assistance from those chosen to guide you.

Before we receive these rewards promised by our Lord, we must first allow ourselves to be molded according to his plan. Let us be the clay in the hands of the master potter.⁸ Let us trust our God, that even if our life seems to be a dizzying whir and we seem to be molded into something bizarre, we know that God plans to make something beautiful out of us. It may be true that there may be some things you will have to give up and you may occasionally experience a feeling of emptiness and being left out. Do not be afraid, it is the Lord!⁹ Be generous and open to this experience. If the earthen jars in Cana were not empty, they would not have been available for our Lord Jesus to change water into wine.¹⁰  Submit yourself to our Lord’s will and let him take the ordinariness of your life and allow him to change it to something so wonderful that future generations will speak about how extraordinary and special it was!¹¹

In the face of uncertainty, trust the Lord when he asks you to “Cast out into the deep”.¹² Yes, by following our Lord, we will be led to scary and uncertain places. This early in your life, you may already be feeling battered by life’s many storms. It will not be a wonder that like Peter, you will find yourself complaining to the Lord: We have worked all night and caught nothing.¹³ Yes, this process of discernment can be frustrating at times. In fact, it may seem that you may even find yourself caught in a cycle of inspiration and depression. One moment, you may be so certain that you want to be a Brother, but the next you suddenly feel unworthy to even try to become one. Courage! God knows whom He is calling. He also knows good material when He sees it. It is when you feel most empty and useless that God will fill you with His grace. May you become like Peter, who despite his fatigue and uncertainty, found strength to tell the Lord: but at your command, we will lower our nets.¹⁴  Trust your God, for he will always be in control, even in the most impossible of circumstances. In the typhoons and floods of life, reach out to God, and the threat will pass sooner than you think, and you will be left unscathed! O you of little faith, why did you doubt.¹⁵ The God who calls you to walk on water will not leave you to drown!¹⁶

Indeed the journey of choosing to be a Brother is long and trying. There are days when you would feel so inspired and uplifted and days when you begin to wonder why you are even bothering at all. It is in times of discouragement that you must listen to our Lord patiently. Pray and reflect for his guidance. Be open to the ones chosen to guide you. It is when your hearts are downcast that our Lord will suddenly walk beside you, gently guiding you and chiding your lack of faith.¹⁷ Although you may not recognize Him immediately, do not be slow to believe when you do! And even when it is so hard to draw up your faith, pray just like the other disciples in the gospel: Stay with us Lord.¹⁸ As these disciples encountered Jesus in that lonely road of Emmaus, I pray that you likewise that you be given the grace to choose your path wisely.

Once again, be not afraid to choose and commit! You remain ever in my prayers.

I remain, as always, your Brother,
Br. Mandy Dujunco FSC

Now how awesome is that? To know that there are people who feel your anxieties and to know that they are there to support you. For those who feel what I'm dealing with, may God bless you with the courage and the strength. 

But question, why would God make this so difficult for us? Most especially if this will all end up in the glory of His name? For reasons will have no meaning unless they are meant to be. What the hell am I talking about?

To reflect on Brother Mandy's open letter to the Aspirants
 
Whats really scary is that those before who have chosen to follow Christ and God, are those who were brutally killed. If Jesus himself was sentenced to die on the cross, what worst will be in stall for me? Okay, that was old school. But how does society today see the religious?

I've made up my mind to respond to this certain call. I don't have any divine intervention stories but for me, the mere fact that I could even consider this is something. As they say, Many are called, but few are chosen. True. So does that mean discernment depends on perseverance? I know the religious life is not easy. Even the Saints can attest to that. But what if hindi ko makayanan? Lord, I ask that you grant me the strength to carry on this cross of mine. I pray that you bless me with the courage to face each and every trial with a brave heart. 

So the purpose of our lives is totally unpredictable. As Bro Mandy puts it, God has a purpose for bringing you into this world. Why? I'm not doubting my faith or my mere existence, but how can God make this so difficult? So as we trust the guides our Lord provides each step of the way, should we also surrender the gift of Freewill?

Another question that struck me while reading this letter was when Bro Mandy pointed out that people say we should try the many available options out there in order for us to make a good decision. I've limited these. I've sacrificed a lot. But is this right for me to be closing doors on possible opportunities? Where's the discernment on that? To test oneself is healthy right? In the first place, how would we know what we want or what is right for us not unless we acknowledge the idea of it in the first place? 

I've decided to enter the Postulancy next year. For those who don't know what the Postulancy is, it's the first formal stage of formation of the Brotherhood. So in coming up with that choice, basically, I have given up all the other options. And now, when I do have a firm decision, this chance for me to further my discernment, I realize that I have deep feelings for this girl who is practically my best friend. Why God? WHY?

The Greater Reason

246 dead and counting. Thousands displaced. The storm has left us devastated and in calamity. The rest of the metro is still under water, victims freezing on their roofs and starving and yet here I am, in bed, doing nothing about it but just updating myself through the news. Times like this makes you feel how blessed you are for merely having a cozy bed to lay on. The mere fact that I'm still breathing makes me feel blessed.

And more sad news. I've read on a friend's Facebook status that some relief goods beneficiaries are selling their packages for Php 30.00 a bag. For all the efforts that we've volunteers have done, siyempre, without expecting anything in return, the least the victims could do is appreciate the help their fellow countrymen are shelling out. Not all victims have received relief goods. So that's just sad. I've also noticed online that there have been burglaries in Provident Village Marikina, relief tucks are being looted and the chaos is unattended because there are no police. No reliable source or anything.

After last Monday's relief drive at DLSU, we've rendered about 1200 relief packages for the typhoon victims and have raised a good amount in a couple of hours. Carrying boxes of noodles, clothes, bottled water and canned goods is no joke and it is not easy. Yes, it was worth the pain and the sweat. So after a good days worth of work, I ended it with some great soul food at Ying YIng with Brother Rey and some other Aspirants.

For the past day's series of events, both fortunate and unfortunate, I've actually found some time to be still and reflect. Basic question was "Why am I here?". Why am I doing such work, the charity, taking the time to think of others before me? Why am I here alive, while others who were hit by the storm either have passed away or are going through difficulty? Am I happy with what I am doing? Why am I doing all this? I'm even questioning the level of fulfillment in the charitable acts I've done. 

Its questions like these that have been disturbing me the other night. I'm not sure if that is a good sign or what with regards to my vocation discernment. I do know that it is healthy to take doubt and question, but doesn't this beat the purpose of my being at this point? Even if my Brother Mentor is busy, I'm glad that I still have friends who are there to be my confidants. So the disturbing realizations I've had the other night have been solved, thats whats cool with having these kinds of friends, you get shined upon with their insights and you also get to share your light. Okay bad metaphor, but you guys get the picture. And yeah, you get the reaffirmation you need to go on. 

And to my surprise, again, I end up answering my own questions, rather deeply in such sense that I tend to scare myself on how mature I think I've grown to be. Haha. So the answer to my existence in this present time, doing these things, well okay there's no direct answer but there's a reason, and a good one I may say, is that in times where we cannot gather the words to describe what we are feeling or to answer the questions on what we are doing, there is only one thing. Its the absence in itself that affirms that there is a greater cause for it, something more greater working within it, and this is where the mystery of our being kicks in. Its not just our human nature, but its the mystery of our faith. Ask yourselves the same, and ask yourself how can you worship a certain God that you haven't seen at all. Same answer, yet different premise, right? But the mystery in itself is something so exciting to tackle, yet something you wouldn't want to question. Sorry for being malabo, but I hope you guys get it somehow. 

Anyway, DLSU is continuing the SAGIP METRO Relief Drive for the rest of the week. See you guys there!

Typhoon Ondoy Hitting Manila Hard

There's a Filipino saying that goes "Kahit gaano kalalim ang dagat, hanggang dibdib lang ito ng bibi" (No matter how deep the ocean is, it's still breast high for ducks no matter what), (Banderlipe, 2009). 

And that is the optimistic side of what is currently going on in Metro Manila. People stranded in the streets and in their cars desperately find ways to seek refuge. Take for instance this, 

Two guys pushing around what seems to be Styrofoam along Taft Avenue with two passengers aboard. (Forgive me for the resolution, I used my laptop to take this)

So for being all thankful that I'm all cozy in my room and all the other fortunate crap, I want to say thank you, Lord. Haha. 

But who the hell can remain optimistic when you are scared to go hungry? Forgive me for my language, but for all you Taft dormers out there, I'm sure you guys can relate with me. No one will deliver food. And there is no way that I will go through dirty water with a cut on my foot. I'm scared of Leptospirosis. Sorry. And another reason not to remain steady, I'm down to my last 6 cigs. 

Lord have mercy!

GREENATION Launch

Tonight. 7PM. Il Ponticello.

Fin.

Now I know why God has put me through that relationship.
I'll talk about it later, good night.

Not A Good Day

Waking up today without an alarm clock was something new. There was totally nothing there convenient to rely on as a source of time. So I either resort to turning on the television and channel surf to the morning news, or, turn on my laptop. I ended up doing the later since turning on the tv would disturb my room mate. But anyway, with or with out an alarm, I always end up late, so I don't know why I'm babbling. Haha.

As I get to Ms. Mavicks's desk (I was tasked to take charge of her work since she was on leave for an operation) to check if there are new faxes, Brother Armin comes up to me and hands me over some packages for Lysander and Brother Vince. He also hands me his travel briefs and a single piece of paper. And who would know that a piece of paper, the smallest thing in the bundle handed to me would be the most stressing and the cause of a break down? I don't really want to get in to details, but to be truly frank with you guys, I felt really disturbed and miserable. 

So here's the understated story. I was suppose to call some person up at 10:15 AM. I do so, and since my boss is still in a meeting with some Turks, I say that Brother is unfortunately unavailable right now and cannot come to the phone. Not knowing that it was suppose to be one of those calls where I had to connect Brother to, I still call the person up because that is exactly what Brother says and what is written on the paper. So she answers, and says, never mind. So when Brother asks for the update, I tell him what went on and said to call back so he can speak with the person. As I do so, the person is unavailable, and so on. I don't want to sound like I'm rationalizing things here. But to the extent that I call back around four times with miscommunications, who has the nerve to call back for the fifth time? Furthermore, who has the gut to face your boss and report another failed attempt? To add to that, I find out that this contact is supposedly a donor. So like, WTF have I done. Oh the misery!

Come lunch time, no appetite. Brother Mandy drops in, no mood to be bubbly. Yes it was that disturbing.

To add the cherry on top of all of that, I get branded with being malabo by my ex-girlfriend. It was her decision to meet up over by the Animo Canteen benches. So I wait for half an hour, roaming around the entire ground floor of the South Wing just to see if she's already there. And come later, she tells me that I didn't show up and explains that she waited too, but, over by the Accounting benches. There was barely any energy left to exert to argue, so I let it pass. I could deal with a day without my cellular, so I could deal with another, right? Then, all of a sudden she starts making a very big deal out of it. She says she feels that I'm implying that its all her fault. Dude, didn't I just let all of it pass? Then and there, I break down, and, cry. Yeah, I admit, I was silently crying in my office. I couldn't contain the misery anymore. So sorry to the people that didn't get treated right today, sorry for not being in the mood.  But no, she is still persistent in insisting that this is my fault. I admit that I was stupid for leaving my phone in her car. In the first place I shouldn't have even ridden with her. But the main reason I should blame is that my mind was really preoccupied before I got down, so there. So more blaming on me for no reason at all. We just never understand each other on that level, maybe. And maybe that's the reason why, until now, we tend to argue. Before last night ended, I was thinking, maybe God purposely made me leave my phone with her. Siguro so I could see her again and that we can spend time with each other. Or, He is helping me reaffirm the belief that our past relationship will never flourish into a better one. So whatever reason that may be, thank you, Lord.

So what's the big deal, Jay? Well, first of all, its a given that at work, the Brother Mentor - Mentee relationship is gone. Professionally, we're on Boss - Employee status. And with what happened, I failed. I've failed my boss and I've failed to do a simple job. And that alone is really disturbing. I have disappointed my boss and I don't know how to make up for that. I don't even know if I can face him tomorrow. The bad vibes sank in. 

For the first time at the office, I stayed really late working. Not because I felt awful so I'd make up for messing up earlier in the day, but because I felt too awful to go home. And a Brother messages me on Facebook and asks me how I'm doing. We talk about the situation and with one message, he gives me the strength to realize how lame I became. And to quote, 

A Brother still tries his best to minister, even if his heart is shattered to a hundred pieces.

How inspiring, right? Typical me, to compare things with certain situations. But you gotta admit, light always shines through the darkest hours of your life. So with that in mind, and, with the feelings kept within, I smiled, for the first time. For one, there is absolute admiration for this Brother's conviction. And two, even if I was in a really miserable state, I should learn how to use it to motivate myself to do my job better, to learn from my mistakes. 

On a deeper level. What should I expect to be the output of such a situation? They say that when you're put through something, you only know to learn from it after you go through a certain obstacle. You only realize the bigger picture once it is over. Doesn't that just suck? 

Anyway, to end this entry I would like to leave you guys with another inspiring quote, this time from the Bible:

But even if you should suffer for doing what is right, you are blessed. Never be afraid of their threats, and never get upset.

1 Peter 3:14

Live Jesus in our hearts, Forever!

He Has His Ways

I kinda started this ritual before I go to sleep a few weeks back wherein I'd check God's message (an app on Facebook). Its become a habit of mine which I copied from a very good friend. Its a random message generator that helps me reflect sometimes, well, most of the time. It makes myself ponder on possibilities of what will happen throughout the rest of the day, and it also helps me decide on certain things. I'm not saying that it is 100% right to listen to what a random message generator would say, heck, same goes with horoscopes, but yeah. Its just fun. So today's message is:

Don't worry guys, because even I'm confused. Now I'm really wondering. What step is this particular message pertaining to? Its 3:00 in the morning, and maybe, the step I should take is for me to hit the sack.


So further on in the day. I had lunch with my ex-girlfriend. I have to admit it, it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I was all smiles inside and out and yeah, it went pretty well. It makes me nostalgic of the things that we've been through, both good and bad. We had lunch at one of the oldest tambayans we use to hang out at back when we were just friends. Conversation went well. And to my surprise, we didn't end up fighting. She kept making bola by saying how I've lost weight and how whiter I got. Like what the hell, right? I know I'm buying you lunch ex-girlfriend but please, that's just over board. Haha. I doubt she was flirting. Who knows? Well at least we're not just "online buddies" anymore. We're text mates now. Haha kidding.

Heading back to the office, well, I don't wanna talk about that. Haha.

So later on in the day, we decide on hanging out together, again. But we end up in her car, on our way up north. In the car we talk about whatever has happened during the day.  All of a sudden our song plays. Bummer, man. Then the serious mode kicks in, so I ask her if she is happy with her life, if she is content with what she already has and what she already is. And her answer, steady lang. So besides the mixed emotions already stirring within me, I kinda get the feeling that even without me being in her life, she would be happy. There's totally nothing wrong with that. But for some reason, I felt empty. I don't know how to describe the feeling. But I felt awful. Sudden change in mood kind of thing. I don't know if the reason why I feel empty is because I'm accepting the fact that she doesn't need me in her life or its just the emptiness left behind by the love I, then and there, let go. Lord, can you fill me in? Literally.

So when I get off by my friends house, I totally forget my phone and my Ipod in her car. Sucks to be me, huh. Or is God giving me another opportunity to kick it with her?

So in line with today's 'Message from God', yes, the moment did finally come. Its been 6 months or so since we've last seen each other and talked like this. But still, I wouldn't relate it with today's events. And if I cannot wait anymore, well, guess again. True love waits, and so can everything else.

The Purpose Driven Life

Last Saturday was the Aspirants meeting where we talk about official business and get to catch up on whats been happening with one another. So first of all, let me introduce to you guys who we are.

FSC Aspirants Christmas Party 08 (Clockwise starting at 12:00)  John Bellosillo, Gelo Paragas (now a Postulant), Marlo Castillo (has already discerned what he wants in his life haha), Me, Brother Armin, Dan Sanding, Toby dela Cruz, Lysander Rivera (the honorary aspirant), Roji Enriquez, and McRey Banderlipe. 

Not in picture are Cliff Sy, Mico Sangalang and Jerome Cuevas.

So last Saturday we had the second session of our Apostolate, the St. La Salle Pre-School Catechism Class. We taught the kids the basics of good manners. Thanks to Roji for his module, I pretty much think we got the kids to learn how to be polite and well mannered. Its just the random stuff that we do that makes this journey fun. For instance, last Saturday, I taught the kids some steps while singing 'He's Got the Whole World in His Hands'. With out knowing the lyrics by heart, I pretty much could conclude that I looked like a fool. But nonetheless, the kids enjoyed. 

So what we do in our apostolate is that we gather less fortunate kids who can't afford a good education and share with them the knowledge that we already have. Nothing scholarly or TESDA approved, but the basics. So last Saturday's session went well. We had an additional four more participants! So after bringing the kids back to their houses which Cliff and McRey did, in the rain (oh the things we do for the name of La Salle!),we head to the Brothers Community for siesta.

Come 530 PM, we head to the community Chapel for anticipated Mass. And here's where the story kicks in.

I admit it that I haven't been going to Church lately to hear Mass so as I kneel at my pew to reflect I come upon myself blurting random things in my mind. First, saying sorry for not fulfilling the duty as a Catholic to go to Mass for God knows how long; Second, for having another successful day with the St. La Salle Pre-School kids; Third, for the mere fact of keeping my family, friends and myself alive and the random part: asking God to give me answers on why I am here, at this pew, in this Chapel, at this community.

So the presiding Priest steps in and the Catholic ritual begins. Upon delivering the First reading for the evening from the Book of Wisdom, I pause for a while and realize another random suggestion God is making me feel. For the past two weeks I have been having issues with this one person which for a few reasons I can't seem to tolerate anymore. And in the Reading, the first lines go "...Let us beset the just one, because he is obnoxious to us; he sets himself against our doings, reproaches us for transgressions of the law and charges us with violations of our training." Upon closing the reading, it felt so good to sing thanks be to God.

 I believe that God talks to you in His own ways, and I believe that God talks to you everyday. It depends on how you want to interpret it. So for those who have questions on why you feel that God is always absent or why isn't He listening to me, try thinking in different perspectives.  Furthermore into Mass, during Responsorial Psalm, God gives me another wack to the head, reminding me of one of the answers to the rants I had before Mass started. To the response of "The Lord upholds my life" (answering to why am I here), the verses go like this:

1. O God, by Your Name save me, and by Your might defend my cause. (Another answer to my rants, another point for God) O God hear my prayer; hearken to the words of my mouth. (and the wrestling ring bell goes off, we have a Winner);

2. For the haughty men have risen up against me, the ruthless seek my life, they set not God before their eyes;

3. Behold God is my helper, the Lord sustains my life. Freely will I offer you sacrifice, I will praise Your Name. O Lord, for its goodness.

So has God really listened to my rants? I don't believe in coincidence. So to assume that all of these insights in a span of 10 minutes to spawn in my mind, is God really doing His thing? Its not my fault why I was there reciting the First Reading and the Responsorial Psalm. Neither is it the Indian Priest's fault who showed up as well at that Chapel and at that time after how many invitations to give Mass. Evidently, random things are equivalent to a perfect event.

Going on to the Gospel. I tend to compare things said in it with realities of what has been going on in my life. So as Mark writes about how Jesus took His disciples to Capernaum, and when they arrive, He asks them, "What were you arguing on the way?" They remained silent. So to give you non-dogmatic scholars what the disciples were arguing about, they were discussing amongst themselves on the way who was the greatest.

So taking that literally in my non conditional mind, I was like, there goes another point for You. As an aspirant in a community which you would like to nourish by all means is really something difficult. You grow with other young men who are individually distinct but are bonded with one common goal. It is given that your thoughts and ideas will clash with the others. Recently, there have been times where I would find myself not necessarily arguing but talking with a fellow aspirant about someone who acts as if he was the greatest. And to conclude the Gospel, Mark writes about Jesus telling his disciples "Whoever receives one child such as this in My Name, receives Me; and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but the One who sent Me."

So right there and then, I find myself realizing how wrong I am for not thinking in the right way. For not accepting anymore the person who seemed to be "obnoxious", for not being able to tolerate that person. It feels awful to think of myself to be unkind and to disrespect the God and the person who sent him as well.

To conclude this entry, I'd like to leave some realizations that we should always remind ourselves with. First, we are all here for a reason. May it be to fulfill your own purpose or to help others realize their own. Who are we to take that away from other people? Second, patience is always the answer for intolerable circumstances. Be still and one way or another you'll get your answers. Third, learn how to appreciate even the annoying. There's always a hidden gift in everyone that in one way or another could contribute to a better you.

Score:  

Winner: God (3)

Loser : Jay (0)

Live Jesus in our hearts, Forever!